Works of Abul Baraa Muhamad Amreeki

All the praises is for Allah the Lord of the Worlds and peace and blessings be upon His Chosen Messenger Muhammad and upon his family and his companions all of them.

By the Student of Knowledge, Shaykh Abdurrahman Murad هداه الله

Brothers and sisters…no doubt marriage is a delicate balancing act…this is for both brothers and sisters…you see, in the Hadeeth it states:

يا أبا الدَّرداءِ إنَّ لربِّكَ عليك حقًّا ولأهلِك عليك حقًّا ولجسدِك عليك حقًّا أعطِ كلَّ ذي حقٍّ حقَّه

Meaning: Salman, may Allah be pleased with him, was giving advice to his brother from the Ansar, Abud-Darda, may Allah be pleased with him. He said to him: “O Abud-Darda, indeed Allah has a right upon you, your family has a right upon you, your body has a right upon you…do not neglect any of them, and give each their due right.”

This balancing act of giving each their due right shines today in the issue of parents..how does a husband balance it (between his wife and parents)? No doubt, he has to have wisdom in approaching this matter. From experience, this will not be difficult, but a few things stand against this pristine balance:

a. Ignorance – where a person asserts that he / she deserves certain rights that do not belong to them. In general ignorance in relation the rights of both husbands and wives.

b. Indifference – if both spouses have what we call a ‘love-hate’ relationship, where the element of compassion is missing…and they deal with each with rage and anger…and suspect each other.

c. Clarity – If the husband has planned all along to live with his in-laws, he should make this clear from the get-go…and all things should be clarified up front. Basically all marital conditions should be written and set in the contract.

If someone is suffering from the above elements…a talk on balancing relationships will never work…as the mother-in-law and husband/wife will do what they do to get back at the ‘other party’.

So, the very first step to balancing well…is that both spouses educate themselves properly with their rights…and come to a mutual understanding. Don’t impose an opinion upon your wife (in controversial matters) and do not obligate a Sunnah practice on your spouse.

To demonstrate this…I’ll give an example…if a wife foregoes her right to private/separate living quarters so that her husband can be close to his elderly and sickly parents who are in constant need of attention…a husband should not demand or expect that his wife take care of them like a free in-home caretaker. He should realize, taking care of them directly is not the duty of the wife…it is HIS duty. Look at the Salaf…you will find the men looking after their own mothers with their own hands…Allah Akbar. They didn’t obligate this upon their wives. Look at this narration:

روى البخاري في “الأدب” -المفرد-عن أبى بردة، قال: سمعت أبي يحدث (ابن أبي موسى الأشعري، اسمه : الحارث، وقيل :عامر) أنه شهد ابن عُمَرَ ورجلُ يَمَانِيٌّ يَطُوفُ بِالْبَيْتِ – حَمَلَ أُمَّهُ وراء ظهره ثُمَّ قَالَ: يَا ابْنَ عُمَرَ أَتُرَانِي جَزَيْتُهَا؟
قَالَ: لا وَلا بِزَفْرَةٍ وَاحِدَةٍ

Meaning: In Al-Bukhari, Al-Adab al-Mufrad, on the authority of Abu Burdah, may Allah be pleased with him, it states that Ibn Umar and a man from Yemen were making Tawaf around the Ka’bah and they had both carried their mothers on their backs. Ibn Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, asked the Prophet, may Allah praise him: “Do you see that I have paid off my duty towards my mother?” The Prophet, may Allah praise him, said: “No, not even for a pain she experienced during child-birth”

You see…Ibn Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, understood that the duty of taking care of his mother was his own…not one shifted to his wife…the problem today is that many who live together view this as a burden upon their spouse more than a chance for rewards.
Let’s say, if the husband needs help in this…he can gently ask his wife…if she would like to partake in a chance to achieve great reward? If she refuses…he shouldn’t force her. Now the important part of this conversation is that this conversation (of helping mom or dad out) should take place in the absence — and without the knowledge of the mother-in-law! Today…this becomes a spectacle in the house…which turns out to a verbal beat-down and stare off by the mother-in-law vs. the wife…so whose fault is this ill-feeling and hate?

Ignorance…In’na lil-laahi wa in’na e’laihi ra’jioon.